My sheets look like a crime scene.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
