direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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