im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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