Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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