textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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