i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
