She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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