Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
