i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
