Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
