someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
