It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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