My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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