listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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