my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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