i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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