I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
