im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
