i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just want to make out with him forever
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
