yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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