I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
