I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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