Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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