This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
