if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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