If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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