i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
