I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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