Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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