I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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