I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
