Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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