i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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