your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
