I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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