i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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