take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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