So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Barsexuality is the new black.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
