watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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