I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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