Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
