dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
