If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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