my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
