That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
