The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
