I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
