thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
