I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
