Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
