I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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