What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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