so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
