thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
