Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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