Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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