May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
