I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
