It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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